As far as I understand it, almost every path towards BPD starts with an initial “trauma” that is, from the perspective of the victim, ignored, unnoticed or otherwise disregarded. I say “trauma” because as I’ve learned, the trauma can be anything – it doesn’t have to be something that anyone else would call traumatic. It can be coming home from school every day to an empty home, sick with loneliness. It can be a misinterpreted remark or gesture. It can even be something on television.
I grew up with the conviction that I had no right to my (seemingly inexplicable) feelings. I had no right to be angry, upset, depressed or emotional. I can still hear my teenage inner voice, berating myself for daring to feel these ways when elsewhere in the world people were facing what I considered real problems – disability, starvation, rape, torture, incarceration. I was severely fucked up and simultaneously certain that I had absolutely no right to be, making my various methods of self-injury doubly deserved in my opinion.
Unfortunately, my critical inner voice was only one among thousands (millions?) who believe that pain and suffering must be justified before they can be felt at all. The chronic cultural attitude we have towards emotional pain is just about the ideal breeding ground for serious mental illness – as is clearly being demonstrated at an alarming rate.
Because it’s not just trauma that destroys people – we all undergo traumas, of various definitions. Some seem beyond human endurance. But as Viktor Frankl notes in Man’s Search for Meaning, “Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose.”
When pain becomes an opportunity for healing, strength and connection with other human beings, it gains inherent meaning. It becomes bearable. When it goes ignored, dismissed, belittled or hidden, it exists in an echoing emptiness. The brain struggles to contextualize the experience and comes up blank – withdrawn, vacant, void of feeling. We know what we’re feeling but we also know we aren’t supposed to feel it – a combination that leaves the mind and body torn in warring pieces.
Even though part of me still resists it, even though I hate delving into it in therapy, even though I still have yet to really cry about it, I know that even just feeling the pain of traumas that I blocked for so long is going to be a major step towards treating my BPD. In that respect, having this new relationship in my life has been extremely helpful. I can’t get over how lucky I am to have found someone who knows it’s okay to feel, someone that takes the time to say, amidst my jabbering, “You’re allowed to be upset.” Developing the ability to express pain has been a steep learning curve for me (what with two decades of ingrained BPD behaviours), but so rewarding – I genuinely hadn’t figured out that people can’t dry your tears if you refuse to cry.
And on that note, another favourite quote from Man’s Search for Meaning:
“But there was no need to be ashamed of tears, for tears bore witness that a man had the greatest of courage, the courage to suffer.”
Do you have the courage to suffer?
Cat xxxx
Half of a Soul - Life with BPD 
This post really hit me hard. I agree with you. wholeheartedly. Thanks for having the courage to write and share it. XX
Oh my especially the last paragraph or so. Glad you found that someone, I also did last year 🙂
HI Cat
I seem to have been missing your posts lately…. glad you’re still around and kicking!
I can understand your reluctance to feel the pain during therapy. It can feel terrifying and very uncertain. Nice to hear you’ve found a new relationship. I can only imagine it will contribute to your strength and courage
Thanks for all the kind comments, everyone! xxxx
I have BPD and trich and depression, my Dr doesn’t help much, Please help me!
Hi Vicki, I’m sorry to hear you are going through such a hard time, and that your doctor isn’t very helpful. While I’m not an expert by any means, I have over two decades of experience with BPD, trich, depression and disordered eating habits. Feel free to msg me regarding any questions you may have – hope I can help! xxxx
Thank you for taking the time to reply.
I was wondering how you coped with trich, I don’t go out much because I’m so ashamed of its consequence
I want to scream, but they won’t hear, so thank you for hearing me. Xxx
Hi Vicki, I don’t want to ramble on too too much so I’ll just address the trich for now, since you ask about it here:
1) Self-regulate. I have read that trich is means of self-regulating the nervous system – meaning that when you are over-stimulated (stressed) or under-stimulated (bored), you compensate with trich. Makes sense to me, and explains why the only time I feel 100% “cured” of trich – like NO urges at all or even thoughts of trich – is when I’m on vacation, which seems to be just the perfect mix of interesting and relaxing stuff. Now obviously we can’t spend our whole lives on vacation (if only, eh?)! So I have to work to keep myself “regulated” without the use of trich. This means getting enough sleep, eating well, exercising (even a tiny bit) almost every day, and not letting my emotions build up too high.
2) Become conscious of the urge and change the pattern. This takes some work and some getting used to so be patient with yourself. Notice when you feel like pulling. Think about why (Are you tired? Thinking of something stressful? Bored and in need of a little activity?). Then snap yourself out of the pattern in any way you can. I find trich is almost like a trance – sometimes it feels like you actually don’t have control of your actions. Breaking that trance is therefore super important. Example: If I find myself sitting there mindlessly surfing the Internet and start feeling the urge to pull, I say out loud, “Snap out of it” (weird but true), then without letting myself even think about it anymore I shut the computer, jump up and go do something else (usually at that point what I really should be doing is sleeping!).
3) Keep your hands busy. If trich strikes most when you are occupied in certain activities that have to be done (like while you’re working or reading something), find something else that can occupy your hands in a similarly satisfying way. Things I keep on hand to play with: stress ball, silly putty, bubble wrap… I’ll even shred little pieces of paper.
4) Get a doctor’s help. This is SO important! Many people find that a medication can totally cure them of trich – you won’t know unless you try! Alternatively, doctors should be able to recommend a therapist that specializes in treating trich without medication (through the use of behavioural therapy, for example). If your doctor acts like literally pulling your own hair out is not that big a deal – well, I think it goes without saying, but you need a different doctor. That’s just outrageous.
5) Break the cycle of shame. Pulling your hair out makes you feel isolated, weird, ugly and utterly ashamed of yourself. Feeling ashamed makes you feel like pulling your hair out. In this way, it becomes a vicious cycle with shame as the key ingredient. Find a support group (in person or online, but preferably in person if you can) to help you feel more “normal”; plenty of people wash their hands compulsively, plenty of people eat compulsively, plenty of people cut themselves, and plenty of people pull their hair out. It’s just a mental illness like any other and nothing to be ashamed of (refuse to let anyone tell you differently!). Get into the mindset that you want to stop trich not because of how ashamed and embarrassed it makes you feel, but because you know you deserve so much better (you do!).
Hope that helps – finally, check this website for some great resources and some links to finding treatment: http://www.trich.org/treatment/resources-online.html
Catie xxxx
Thank you for your comments, I find them useful and interesting. Xxx