The title of this blog comes from one of the strongest features defining borderline personality disorder: gut-wrenching, heart-gouging loneliness/emptiness.
BPD, as I’ve mentioned, has many, many different features and forms, which is part of what makes it so complicated to deal with; but one uniting and dominant factor of the disorder is a constant or intense feeling of “No one understands” or “No one cares.” You can see why many people dismiss BPD as ‘childish’ or as normal teenage angst. Everyone feels those horrible moments of despair and isolation, and most people will only allow themselves to feel them during adolescence – i.e., before the adult reflex has set in that silences those feelings as pointless or weak. Unfortunately, in our (western/developed) world, there is a definite tendency now towards associating intelligence, or maturity, or general ‘adulthood’ with the dismissive, the critical, the overwhelmingly black perspective. That means those who voice feelings of loneliness, depression or emptiness will definitely meet with plenty of responses along the lines of “no one fucking cares, get over it.” Particularly in the online forum, where no one is accountable for the idiotic and hurtful things they can anonymously get out of their system.
Argh.
Anyway, having BPD can feel just like the title says: having only half of a soul. You don’t feel normal or complete. You see everyone else as these functional, whole entities and yourself as some hack-job desperately trying to cover the parts that are missing. The endless quest is for someone to flesh out those missing parts of our psyches – someone who is willing to join us in an extremely destructive and unsustainable relationship that tries to make one person out of two very damaged ones. Pretty bad math, but it makes sense to the BPDer – at least, emotional/short-term sense.
I will post a lot more on this concept and why I think it has developed (and over-developed) in those with borderline personality disorder. But for now, I just wanted to take a moment out of my rather crappy, lonely day to reflect on this fact, which I totally lose sight of at my worst times:
I am a complete person and a complete soul, even if I don’t feel that way all the time. No one can finish or complete me: I am my own remedy and my own reward. I can choose to hold or let go of other people and other things, but I cannot be them and they cannot be me. Even when I am alone, there is a whole world of life, imagination, possibility, strength and wisdom contained in my being. Like a tiny pebble in the ebb and flow of the world’s oceans, I may be carried to places I don’t recognize, and my surface may be changed or damaged – but my essence and identity remain the same through the ages.
If those words help someone having a moment of crushing isolation, please take a moment to let me know – even if it’s just so I know I’m not the only one who needs to hear them sometimes.
xx
Half of a Soul - Life with BPD 
Hello.
I wanted to thank you for those bold words.
Bits and pieces of this disorder are making their way into my mind… Its finally making my life explainable.
I do feel scared, I do feel alone but at least I know why now.
Thank you for commenting, Dana – you are definitely NOT alone! Hope you continue on your path of self-discovery and healing – please keep in touch xoxo