Can it just be 2014 already? Without the whole “WOOOOOOO, welcome to the new year, life is something wonderful to look forward to!!!” ceremony and whatnot? Because it’s not. Wonderful, I mean. Not for me, not right now, not very often of late.
On the one hand, learning about/trying to understand a BPD diagnosis can feel like a step in the positive direction. When things are going relatively okay, you get a fleeting sense of control and purpose: “Maybe things have been horrible for a reason, and I’ve learned and grown in ways that have helped me, and now things are looking up, etc.”
On the other hand (my current “hand”), recognizing BPD for what it is – a vicious, cyclical mood disorder – can offer a very jaundiced perspective of a situation about which it is already easy to be cynical: “Wow, this is happening yet again, just like it always has, and (at this rate) just like it always will because THIS is evidently my enduring identity.”
I hate being wrong. Like, really hate it. I am the annoying, Hermione Granger smart-ass who went to ridiculous lengths to learn, know, memorize and recite all the crap that made me feel “right” in school. I hate feeling wrong so much, that I frequently insist upon being “right” at the expense of being happy/successful/healthier. How stupid is that?? Yet I feel myself trapped in it even now. I feel like I’d be a pathetic, delusional chump if I let myself believe things can get better. Or that I’m not always going to suffer like this. Or that I can change my life by resisting this exact thought pattern.
Even as I’m writing this I know that my left-brain logicizing (?? too lazy to google whether that’s actually a word) is just a defense mechanism, a wall around my right-brain emotional self, which is still going nuts over the holidays. Expectations are everywhere and involved in virtually every interaction I have lately. And we all know that expectations, for a borderline, are like grenades: the longer you hold onto them, the more likely they are to explode in your face.
Tomorrow evening is New Year’s Eve. Tomorrow evening marks an occasion that, for much of this year, I honestly didn’t think I would live to see. Tomorrow I have to deal with that as well as my roommate who blabbed to my parents about my BPD, my suicidal thoughts, everything. We haven’t spoken in days and I’ve been crashing at my parents/visiting a friend. But a confrontation is going to happen eventually and what better way to ring in 2014 than with yet another blow-out over my constantly injured feelings? :-S Sigh.
Hope those reading this are faring better and having more auspicious premonitions for the new year….
oh p.s. … how sad is it that I mostly just want it to be 2014 so I can find out how Sherlock faked his death? Seriously.
Half of a Soul - Life with BPD 
I think that’s quite a good reason for wanting it to be 2014 😉 I wanted it to be 2013 (or was it 2012?) for the final installment of the twilight Saga……hhmmm…… 😉
As for being a smart-ass, I was that smart-ass who not only memorised crap at school and uni, but also memorised boxes of trivial pursuits questions and answers while on holiday with my parents, so that I could win all the games….how insufferable am I?! 😉
Facebook is already starting to fill up with the posts all about’ heres the great stuff that happened in 2013 and here’s all the great stuff I’m going to do in 2014′ and yes, I’m feeling woeful and angry at the same time……
No auspicious premonitions here, but amongst all the crappy feelings I do sense a thankfulness that we are not alone and that tonight there is you and others out there feeling the same and we’re all supporting each other in spirit!
Well, I think I’ll be off to bed before the midnight fireworks, so see you in 2014 xxx