Well, I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: nothing prevents blogging more than actually being happy with one’s life.
Even now I’m cautious to describe myself that way. I mean life isn’t perfect and obviously I’m not jumping-up-and-down full-on happy but I am edging towards a kind of content participation in life… which is a massive change from a year or even 6 months ago.
Which is to say: apologies for the long absence!
One thing I have been struggling with lately, is how to keep my BPD at the forefront of my mind – that is, acknowledged and dealt with – rather than divorcing it from myself completely (suppression) or falling in head first (depression). Once things start to get even a little bit better, I find the freedom from BPD to be an all-too-pleasant experience. I know it’s not really gone – I know it could come back and sometimes it feels frighteningly close. But I now realize that it’s important to actually stay connected to those really miserable parts of myself, even when I’m not necessarily miserable. This is a crucial part of working them into my whole self, my normal life and my improved outlook that involves all parts of myself working together.
So how do you deal with feelings of sadness, depression, grief, rage and fear when you’d be more than happy to just lock them away in the closet like you always did in the past?
Unfortunately, I’m really not sure.
I’m doing the best I can with the following strategies that do seem to help though:
1) Allow and acknowledge as many emotions as you can, without judgment. Notice when you’re sad. Notice when you’re inexplicably angry or frustrated. Notice when you’re depressed. Better yet, say it out loud if at all possible – maybe even to someone else. Part of fighting BPD is avoiding the “bury everything and explode” cycle that dominates the disorder. Acknowledging feelings relieves the pressure and simultaneously shows your BPD parts that you CAN handle emotions in a non-self-harmful way.
2) Keep up with therapy and meds. This is a tough one for me. My every instinct is to toss out the pills and immediately call up my therapist and tell her thanks, I’m cured, no more painful sessions to sit through, hooray! I find myself talking about stupid things that don’t really matter just so we don’t have to delve into something that I know will bring down my mood or even ruin my day. But I know deep down that the treatment is still a work in progress and to stop now would be supremely premature. Particularly with regards to the medication – I flippantly skipped a couple weeks of my Wellbutrin/Abilify combo and suddenly found myself wondering why I felt touchy, weepy, frustrated and generally low. Go figure. Don’t underestimate what chemical assistance is still doing for you.
3) Don’t let the words “I’m okay” or “It’s nothing” or “Everything is fine” come out of your mouth ever again (unless you really mean it). Even for little things. If you’re anything like me, chances are you have rarely, if ever, meant those words in your entire life but you’ve said them a LOT. And guess what? Saying them over and over and over has crushed your soul with your very own hands. I used to tell myself so many things about how the right person would understand, the right person would know I didn’t mean it, the right person would see the real me and how much I was actually hurting. All bullshit. All a waste of time. No – worse than a waste of a time: a recipe for borderline personality disorder. Treating yourself like your opinions and emotions and thoughts should be hidden behind a mask means you’ll never believe that anyone else thinks differently. I realize this one is absolutely terrifying and means exposing your raw emotions to the possibility of rejection. But remember that even if you do encounter some insensitive ass who reacts badly, it doesn’t mean better people aren’t out there and that you will not meet them someday.
4) Schedule time to reflect on your inner journey – ideally daily. This is so easy when I’m depressed (it’s virtually all I can do – in a bad way) and so hard when I’m “up.” But like acknowledging all emotions, doing this a bit at a time means I’m not going to crash and dwell on the things I’ve rejected for months.
So that’s what I’ve been focusing on. What have you found helpful in keeping a balance between your BPD/non-BPD parts?
Half of a Soul - Life with BPD 
I feel strangely like I’m repeating myself 😉
This is an excellent post, as you’re right, it’s easy to stop communicating once things are better, and yet it’s so important to keep highlighting lessons learned, and how to go on in the hope of trying to ensure that things remain ‘better’!
I loved the idea of weaving the BPD parts into an integrated whole. I’m slowly realising that I need to do that with a whole range of different parts of me and of my life. So far I have always kept everything very compartmentalised and black and white, and either keep things locked away, or in particular boxes that only come out when particular personae are at the fore, or particular roles are being inhabited (e.g. ‘work me’). But I need to try and figure out a more integrated person, and that includes all the BPD stuff…..
And point 3) is COMPLETELY me, in every way….
Thank you for continuing post – it’s always fantastic to read and hear more 🙂
Thanks once again for reading! I know, I definitely have a ‘work me’ as well that is oddly capable of suppressing just about anything to do random, pointless tasks. And that’s a perfect example of how I’m not always sure total self ‘integration’ is even the best idea – am I supposed to embrace emotional health ALL the time – like even when it would be totally unprofessional to do so? I’m sure there are healthy ways to do it (even just answering someone with, “You know, I’m not having the best week” instead of “everything is great”) but I find it hard to walk that line…
It’s odd having to connect with something that nearly killed me. A few weeks ago, I was the most suicidal I’d ever been in my entire life. If I had had a good method I wouldn’t be here. Luckily, or maybe unluckily not sure about this whole life thing, I didn’t. I suppose I’m moving my hatred away from lethal self hatred to hatred of my pain. For me, it’s much better to be angry than hurting myself. And I’ve been using this anger to make my pain smaller. I’m very tired of it, and I don’t want it around anymore. I’m limiting it’s power over me. The best thing I’ve found to do is to acknowledge it but also ignore it. Understand that it’s there, but give it nothing. And then go feed the healthy parts of my mind. I hope that makes sense.
Heatherplant, so glad to hear from you and that you’re still here. I like that advice very much… hating the pain instead of hating oneself. My therapist says that the eventual end goal of therapy (her kind anyway) is exactly that: to just get so tired of carrying the pain around that you are willing to put it down at last. I can’t picture parting with mine yet but I believe it is possible; even if it will never be truly ‘gone’ (which I would find insulting and dismissive), I don’t have to carry it everywhere with me forever (I hope)… sending you lots of hugs.
Keeping up with therapy and acknowledging feelings have both been critically important for me. About managing BPD and non BPD parts, that is an interesting question. I think about it differently – that BPD is not really a distinct or valid medical diagnosis, but rather a continuum or spectrum where one can be more or less “borderline” at different times. I believe that BPD parts can change into non BPD parts and stay that way.