This is what it feels like looking back – on love (‘love’) through the lens of borderline personality disorder…
Like the only air in the room came from between your lips.
Like every cell in my body had hands that were reaching for yours.
Like nothing would be okay until I knew we were breathing our final breaths together – only then would I know that you cared enough.
No love without death.
The darkest of fantasies, played out in the daylight. Ugly from every angle but one.
How could I have called it love? Or was it? Maybe I was right to use the word. Though now, all it reeks of is obsession. Desperation. Fear. Breathless and dark and smothering.
It felt like I could take all the blows life could lay on me – as long as it was you giving them to me.
He hit me and it felt like a kiss.
And now.
What a load of fucking bullshit.
He hit me and it felt like… he hit me.
And the darkness didn’t make it real. It just made it dark.
And the love/hate didn’t make it romantic. It made it exhausting.
And the games didn’t make it fun. They made it petty and cheap.
And our whole culture keeps buying into it. Love hurts. Love scars. Love wounds and mars.
Love does not hurt. Love does not scar.
Love feels like the rock beneath your bare feet.
Like the roots of the lone tree still standing after the storm.
Like spring’s buds reaching for sunshine after an endless winter.
Light that may be covered but never goes out. Not really.
Love builds and stretches towards the sky, ever higher.
That’s love. And you and I never had it. Thank you for showing me what I need and what I don’t.
Half of a Soul - Life with BPD 
I think that I speak eloquently, but all I have to say is: Fuck abuse. Damn it to hell. It’s a horror, and it doesn’t deserve to be here. Others think death is scary, or that life is scary, but really it’s pain that tortures us. And there’s no reason to it. It’s irrational. You can’t ask why because there is no why. And that’s the thing that’s really crazy. That’s what’ll make you put a gun to your head, is the absolute loneliness and despair of it and for fuck all. But there might be a way out, and that’s why we stick around. Why we try to heal. Why we keep living and try not to think about it too much. And if this world’s too demented to be fixed, there’s always next time. Who says death isn’t fun? I can’t wait to die, but I’m going to try to pass the time and help myself and someone else why I wait.
This is beautiful and heart wrenching.
When darkness closes in the pain is all around
Listen for the silence-the voice inside you found
A piece of me still loves-still lives-still gives
In stillness-the chaos passes over
Sun breaks through the cloud
The was no reason why-
No sorry could undo-
I walked in half life with you
Could you feel me too?
The pain made me peaceful-
The hate made me love-
Darkness made me reach for light
I wish for you your reconnect tonight
Thank you for all your words
You comforted me from afar many times
When I felt so alone.
Well wishes with peace and light mbb x
As someone who has also dealt with abuse, this is something that hits home. Thank you for making it so beautifully open